The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Breaking news:
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu