The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car