Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You Might Also Like
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.