The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
The only equipped I am is ill.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
A double negative is a big no-no.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”