The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?