The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.