My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Who.
Did.
This?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?