The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house