the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Not today, today.
Not today.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don鈥檛 have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ME: if you鈥檙e under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 馃檨
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we鈥檙e going to Applebee鈥檚
Plot twist. He鈥檚 actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend