the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Discuss
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Art by Pastelkatto
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.