the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
You Might Also Like
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.