@UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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@pantsfaced: In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn't even know they were being watched.
@iwearaonesie: *comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice
@EJGomez: bay: come over me: no you're a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward bay: my parents aren't home me: how are you talking
@mjm866: My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.