@UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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@FrogAvalanche: -Where was I conceived, dad? Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly? Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
@CM2BTTHD: CPR refresher class. We're told, "If they're not breathing, there's no way you can make it worse." Woman then trips; kicks dummy's head off.