the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

@theshamingofjay: My favorite yoga pose is "try to cut the toenail"

@UncleDuke1969: *sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room* *calls to renew prescription*

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@internetluke: [looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground] It doesn't say its specifically for babies, Karen

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@Spotzwoj: The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

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@MarcusTheToken: Can't trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

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