*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?