Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?