When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My dad teaching me to drive
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.