The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.