The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?