@UNTRESOR: The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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@TheToddWilliams: [office] ME: I'm back from vacation! BOSS: It's been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice! ME: No, a week on Venus...which is 1701 days
@realHamOnWry: I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
@ArfMeasures: [Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
@divyne_mess: Yes I'll watch your kid,but if you don't pick her up on time, I'm telling her there's no Santa Claus.