The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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I’ve been drinking.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Otters see a butterfly.