Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
What personal space?
My dog
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.