The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list