The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*