@ExcuseMyTweets: The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.
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@Home_Halfway: The most annoying part about getting older is the incessant desire to give those younger than me unwanted advice.
@danjan13: Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
@mrnickharvey: Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
@JonasPolsky: James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.