The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.