@TheCiscoKidder: The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what
@ScreaminZeman: I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.
@WilliamRodgers: I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident