@TheCiscoKidder: The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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@AmericanGent69: Me having sex is like bungee jumping. It's either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured. There is no in between.
@Shock_Monster: Me: That the new iPhone? Him: Yup! The 5S! Me: What's the difference? Him: The C stands for "Cheap" Me: What about the S? Him: "'Spensive"
@KalvinMacleod: [new hire intro] BOSS: this is Jim. You've been here how long Jim? JIM: next year will be 10 years ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
@just1fool: I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, "This is as good as it's ever going to get. Buy some relish."