The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
You Might Also Like
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm