The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
🤣😂🤣
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”