The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Growing out my freckles.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Best mom ever 😂
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?