The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.