Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.