when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks