The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once