The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
happy valentine’s day to me
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.