The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
he looks great for his age
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.