I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Human are so complicated
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.