@Glynner85: The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you're done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.
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@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala. Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala. Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*
@Cpin42: According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
@Chumpstring: BARTENDER: taste this beer ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can't even BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it ME: hmm... yeah that explains it