My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Monday
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Straight people are cancelled
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*