The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!đđđ
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Found out my sŃster ate my leftovers whŃle Đ was at work, now Đâm starŃng out the wŃndow lŃke Đâm Ńn a sad early 2000âs musŃc vŃdeo.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldnât have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Iâm starting to think we wonât be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underwâwait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…đđŽđ
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
âIâm in a New York state of mindâ ok so youâre just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Even though it means heâs a serial killer, itâs nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
We can say âwinter is comingâ in a normal way again, right? Like itâs been long enough?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Why didnât they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking âHow do you think youâre paying for that, with your good looks?â
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.