Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
The struggle is real.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby