@RSF788: The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
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@Headkutter: How to scare burglars off.... First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.
@david8hughes: [last supper] "Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver." "30." "Sorry Judas?" [sips wine] "I didn't say anything."
@SemFitty: Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
@bourgeoisalien: #TT At 14 I yelled, "You'll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!" and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.