Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Bros before Ohioes
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers