*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.