The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick