@ChribHibble: The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
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@brendohare: On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?"
@jakefromstfarm3: If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.