@ChribHibble: The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
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@thatUPSdude: If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
@oldmanweldon: UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for. LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"