@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire. Me: *gives her recipe for my mom's peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

@TeaAndCopy: ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@notalogin: You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

@aimlessamers: English, if I ran it: A group of geese is called a "group" A group of buffalo is called a "group" A group of catfish is called a "group"

@AristotlesNZ: Me: *opens door* Yes? Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord? Me: ..Of The Rings? Him: Uh No.. *door slam*