The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Seals are just dog mermaids.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
What a year we’ve had this week.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”