The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.