The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe