The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn