The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*