The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.