The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.