@zbinski: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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@trainwreck1000: General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
@Faceyspace: My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair! But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@mortimermaiden: I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.