The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
This makes total sense…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”