The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]