The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
You Might Also Like
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
channeling her this year
welcome back
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”