Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I love snow
– People who never shovel
What an awful time to have common sense.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?