@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
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@nbadag: [to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership] i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
@BrainSeducer: Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
@EmaSlema: I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said "no" so he's obviously the smartest man alive