@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
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@iwearaonesie: *helps wife get toddler in his high chair* wife: That's a new shirt, let's put a bib on you me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
@lazerdoov: *bursts into a bank* EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
@ibid78: My N'Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life.
@BlindChow: *tree falls in the forest* *tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn't look like an idiot*