@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
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@Tmoney68: If you didn't get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son's principal because he was inviting girls to his "naked party," you aren't me.
@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
@thesupergrobi: Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
@ms_woodsy: Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don't have any friends.