The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway